Stormy Thoughts

Last Wednesday, Halloween, was my birthday.

And for the first time ... possibly ever ... I spent it alone.

Partly this was due to the ravages of Hurricane Sandy which, although it left my and my family's neighborhood's intact, wrought devastation on the city such as I have not seen since 9-11. And partly this was due to the ravages 2012 had wrought upon my personal life, which conflated with my feelings about the storm into a deep malaise.

I spent much of the time ill in bed, unable to offer much more to the cause than donations. I tend to believe that money is the gift of last resort. But when that is all one has to give, then that is what one must give.

Stories trickled in about many friends, who did not fare so well... houses damaged, a dancer and her husband lost their car, which is their livelihood, so we are raising funds to get her a new one. The devastation is heartbreaking....

In some ways it feels worse than 9-11. As shellshocked as we were on that day, the city went back to normal as quickly as it could. (And just to drive the point home, HBO went and aired Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close this weekend... and like a fool I went and watched it.)

There is of course no comparison to the staggering loss of life, and of the Towers themselves, and the horrifying suddenness of an attack on American soil ... but the city itself was not paralyzed beyond the day. The subways continued even through the tunnels next to the site... you could smell the smoke, and people would be in tears, but we continued.

The devastation of Sandy will linger for a very long time. The shores of the East River have never overflowed in all of the City's history. There was no subway for days and days ... People waited on lines for hours for $30 of gas, a scene the city hasn't known since the 1970s.

So. It's a mess.

And here I've been in my fully powered, heated, structurally sound apartment and the worst I suffered was no internet for a few hours. So, yeah I've had some survivor guilt going on...

And a whole lot of navel-gazing.

This year has been a watershed for me... some long friendships have ended, where I had felt unsatisfied for many years but let it slide. I was unceremoniously ejected from my creative home for over seven years by someone I had held to be a dear friend and trusted colleague.

But now I am working with more and varied dance artists, and finally got my ACE and AFAA group fitness instructor certifications.

I have expanded my horizons in theater and improv (developing a passion for musical improv), and fulfilled my lifelong dream of creating and touring my own solo show. I am feeling better about myself as a person and an artist than I ever have in my life.

And as to the friendships.... well... yeah, it still really hurts and probably will for a long time. These connections were deep and held special value for me, so part of the trauma was in realizing that the other person did not value them similarly (or their valuing was exploitative of me).

So on the one hand it's a blow to the ego to realize that *gasp* I was wrong about someone... But, on the other, I realize the relationship simply ran its course. It is natural for one's needs in friendship to change (hopefully evolve) and those relationships that are not strong enough accommodate the development ... simply fall away.

A friend who has been helping me through these vicissitudes wrote:  "You are a force to be reckoned with. This limits your relationship options to those who burn with fire and insist on clarity, both intellectual and moral. It's a blessing and a curse to you and those close to you. I like it."

And it's true: Honesty and clarity are very important to me. I need friends who can accept it from me, and who are not afraid to dole it out to me when I become muddled, as we all do.

I once read that maturity is not a process of becoming more perfect; rather it is a process of becoming more one's Self. And part of becoming one's Self is developing the strength and courage to see that Self in all its variegated, sometimes unseemly forms, and nourish it and prune it and bear the discomfort of both -- but most of all, love it.

Acceptance of True Self is probably my biggest challenge; it has taken me decades to even figure out what this means. My current understanding of it is too complicated for me to delve into here, but let it suffice to say that it has a lot to do with coming to understand what is truly, deeply important to me; what pulls me and compels me, sometimes against my own ego/will ... these are the guide posts to True Self.

My ego would love to be liked by everyone and to have life be smooth and superficially rewarding. But my True Self knows that I am a person of passion and depth -- that my creative projects are difficult and often painful, and socially I am just plain not everyone's cup of tea. And neither is everyone my cup of tea. But those who are... those are the relationships that nourish me; and that is what is important.

My Halloween Birthday -- from Blessing Band to Cupping Room to Spiegelworld (to a diner at 6am)

Truly a birthday to remember...

I'm usually too lazy to organize my own birthday events; fortunately Halloween is kind enough to provide me with a read-made party day, letting me hop from ball to bash, dancing, drinking and partying my butt off.

Which I did this year... BUT...

I wanted to do something special since a lot has happened for me this year, creatively, emotionally and spiritually.

Queen Mama Donna, who was kind enough to lead PURE's Tree Dedication in Prospect Park this past summer, invited me to join her Blessing Band which, for the second year, led the NYC Village Halloween Parade, blessing the route, the crowd and the city.

Clad in silver and white, sparkles and bells, she gathered us at Spring Street and Sixth Avenue.


(She is on the right in this photo.)

Some of us had wands... and some had red umbrellas??



I was the only one with a hipscarf and a veil.

She guided us to our starting point and we formed a circle around her.



And then led us north...



And I danced and zilled and trailed behind...



Here is a fun video of the procession:



Afterwards, I met with my family and friends and we headed down to The Cupping Room where Rayhana and her students performed a special tribute to the immortal Serena Wilson.

Around 1am, my hardiest (and heartiest) friends, Kisha and Bill K, joined me to see Sarah Locke and Alchemy dance at Spiegelworld at the Seaport.

We thought we were way too late for their show, which was supposed to be before 1am -- but it turned out we arrived just in time for their first number.

By chance, we walked in the right direction and were ordering a drink when we heard a familiar Djinn song coming from the tent behind the bar. We dashed through the crowd and found the beautiful Sarah gliding forward with serpentine mayas.

And then we drank.

And danced.

And danced more.

And ended up in a diner at dawn somewhere near the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge, raining glitter and good vibes in our french toast and coffee. Mmmmmmm.

"39 Steps" 39th Halloween Birthday Celebration!!

This is a reprint of the mailing sent out a few days before.

In honor of my 39th birthday, and my current favorite Broadway play "Alfred Hitchcock's The 39 Steps", I will be celebrating in a STATE OF CONSTANT MOTION (and wearing bits of actual costuming from THE 39 STEPS!)!

Please come join me for any or every part of the evening!

We will begin at the very front of the Halloween Parade, as I join Queen Mama Donna's Blessing Band.

7PM
We'll start at Spring Street & Sixth Avenue, moving north one to two blocks every five minutes. Please look for us!

We'll be dressed in white with sparkles and jingles, blessing the route, the crowd and the city in honor of Halloween and the coming year!

8-8:30PM
Meet around 21st Street between Sixth & Seventh Avenue (the Band will head West on 21st), and take the subway down to Soho. (Please call my cell 917-400-5244 if you would like to meet there, otherwise we'll see you later at The Cupping Room or Spiegelworld.)

8:30-11:30PM
THE CUPPING ROOM CAFE (W. Broadway & Broome) No Cover

We'll sit for dinner and drinks in this lovely Mediterranean Restaurant, enjoying live music and dancing. NYC bellydance legend RAYHANA will premiere a special tribute to the Great Serena Wilson, who left us too early last year.

11:30pm-???
VOODOO CULTURE CLASH
We'll head down to the spectacular Spiegelworld, Pier 17 @ South Street Seaport, Fulton & South St, for a "night of witchy devilry for globetrotting vagabonds."

Lots of dancing, food, drink, facepainting, and performances by Alchemy Dance Theater, Sub Swara, Samba Nation and many others.

Cover is $20, but if you RSVP and mention that the DANCE PARADE sent you, or buy a ticket online, it is only $15.

$20 penalty if you don't wear a costume!!!

Happy Halloweeeeeeen!! And hope to see you!!

-Carol/Tandava

Happy Birthday Amy!!

After a successful close of 700 Wives,



I briefly joined the cast for our Last Supper at a nearby diner -- but only briefly because I had to scoot down to the Village for the lovely Amy Staub's thirtyish birthday party.



For all my scooting, however, we still waited nearly an hour to be seated at the trendyish Cafetasia.

On the other hand, it took nearly an hour for the rest of the group to arrive (not unexpected from a bunch of dancers busy with performances and rehearsals -- even on a Sunday).

Seated finally, the group included my dear PUREista pals Maria and Lisa:



Alura & Athena Najat:



Hannah Nour and her intently-focused pal:



The Glamour Twins, Ranya and Bozenka:



And what party would be complete without the fabulous Darshan??



Bellyqueen's Anasma and Amar Gamal (joined by Anasma's acting teacher) dropped by after the BQ's rigorous Sunday rehearsal:



We brought our own cupcakes to the party, but mysteriously, the restaurant failed to serve them until most of the group was gone!

But this worked out, since they charged us something like $2 per head -- not per cupcake. :-> (I hate when restaurants do this: You've already spent a fortune on food and drinks; you've brought your own special birthday dessert, and then they charge you to eat it in the place).

Well, no matter. It wasn't hard for us to vacuum up every last cupcake:



Leaving only a sad little candle on an empty plate:



Check out more photos on my Flickr Album.