Stormy Thoughts

Last Wednesday, Halloween, was my birthday.

And for the first time ... possibly ever ... I spent it alone.

Partly this was due to the ravages of Hurricane Sandy which, although it left my and my family's neighborhood's intact, wrought devastation on the city such as I have not seen since 9-11. And partly this was due to the ravages 2012 had wrought upon my personal life, which conflated with my feelings about the storm into a deep malaise.

I spent much of the time ill in bed, unable to offer much more to the cause than donations. I tend to believe that money is the gift of last resort. But when that is all one has to give, then that is what one must give.

Stories trickled in about many friends, who did not fare so well... houses damaged, a dancer and her husband lost their car, which is their livelihood, so we are raising funds to get her a new one. The devastation is heartbreaking....

In some ways it feels worse than 9-11. As shellshocked as we were on that day, the city went back to normal as quickly as it could. (And just to drive the point home, HBO went and aired Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close this weekend... and like a fool I went and watched it.)

There is of course no comparison to the staggering loss of life, and of the Towers themselves, and the horrifying suddenness of an attack on American soil ... but the city itself was not paralyzed beyond the day. The subways continued even through the tunnels next to the site... you could smell the smoke, and people would be in tears, but we continued.

The devastation of Sandy will linger for a very long time. The shores of the East River have never overflowed in all of the City's history. There was no subway for days and days ... People waited on lines for hours for $30 of gas, a scene the city hasn't known since the 1970s.

So. It's a mess.

And here I've been in my fully powered, heated, structurally sound apartment and the worst I suffered was no internet for a few hours. So, yeah I've had some survivor guilt going on...

And a whole lot of navel-gazing.

This year has been a watershed for me... some long friendships have ended, where I had felt unsatisfied for many years but let it slide. I was unceremoniously ejected from my creative home for over seven years by someone I had held to be a dear friend and trusted colleague.

But now I am working with more and varied dance artists, and finally got my ACE and AFAA group fitness instructor certifications.

I have expanded my horizons in theater and improv (developing a passion for musical improv), and fulfilled my lifelong dream of creating and touring my own solo show. I am feeling better about myself as a person and an artist than I ever have in my life.

And as to the friendships.... well... yeah, it still really hurts and probably will for a long time. These connections were deep and held special value for me, so part of the trauma was in realizing that the other person did not value them similarly (or their valuing was exploitative of me).

So on the one hand it's a blow to the ego to realize that *gasp* I was wrong about someone... But, on the other, I realize the relationship simply ran its course. It is natural for one's needs in friendship to change (hopefully evolve) and those relationships that are not strong enough accommodate the development ... simply fall away.

A friend who has been helping me through these vicissitudes wrote:  "You are a force to be reckoned with. This limits your relationship options to those who burn with fire and insist on clarity, both intellectual and moral. It's a blessing and a curse to you and those close to you. I like it."

And it's true: Honesty and clarity are very important to me. I need friends who can accept it from me, and who are not afraid to dole it out to me when I become muddled, as we all do.

I once read that maturity is not a process of becoming more perfect; rather it is a process of becoming more one's Self. And part of becoming one's Self is developing the strength and courage to see that Self in all its variegated, sometimes unseemly forms, and nourish it and prune it and bear the discomfort of both -- but most of all, love it.

Acceptance of True Self is probably my biggest challenge; it has taken me decades to even figure out what this means. My current understanding of it is too complicated for me to delve into here, but let it suffice to say that it has a lot to do with coming to understand what is truly, deeply important to me; what pulls me and compels me, sometimes against my own ego/will ... these are the guide posts to True Self.

My ego would love to be liked by everyone and to have life be smooth and superficially rewarding. But my True Self knows that I am a person of passion and depth -- that my creative projects are difficult and often painful, and socially I am just plain not everyone's cup of tea. And neither is everyone my cup of tea. But those who are... those are the relationships that nourish me; and that is what is important.