Response to Kaeshi & Brad—Part XI: Final Thoughts (or If Lenny Bruce Had a Blog)

Dear Readers:

Please let me offer my deep thanks to the many, many people who have followed me through this arduous process. Thank you for hearing my point of view, and for offering your own thoughts honestly, regardless of whether they agreed with mine. 

This final entry will be the longest, and in it I reveal the process leading up to my decision to undertake this strange project in the first place. I had considered breaking this entry into more user-friendly parts, but I do not want to take up any more space in my blog or my brain with this torturous affair which has gnawed at me for a year.

And although I will continue to explore the many themes it has raised—of the importance of justice,  compassion, integrity, accountability, finding one's voice, standing up and speaking truth no matter the consequence, and examining demonization as a vehicle to justify abuse—in this blog and my other creative work, this is the last time I intend to address the matter directly here or in any social media.

For prior entries, please see:

My Q&A About Why the Critique was Necessary
Part I: Introduction to the Defensive Screed
Part II: Perspectives on the Underdog
Part III: Anger Management
Part IV: Sabotage
Part V: Kaeshi's "Red Zone"
Part VI: Violent Communications
Part VII: The Gangrened and Diseased Limb
Part VIII: Transgressions
Part IX: The Inner-Warrior
Part X: Brad's "Delusional, Revisionist History"
Part XI: Final Thoughts (or If Lenny Bruce Had a Blog) 

Thank you again for your kind attention. 

Carol Tandava
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have been thinking about Lenny Bruce.

Although he is all but forgotten today Lenny Bruce is a great legend of comedy who pioneered the freestyle, personal, dangerous, socially critical comedy for which George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Jerry Seinfeld, Dave Chappelle, Louis C.K and many others are known. Before Bruce, comedy was Catskill-style schtick, shallow one-liners with rimshots.

Bruce changed all that.

He challenged stereotypes, sexism, racism, and the casual injustices that can come about when the uptight, overpowerful, and easily offended hear words that hit home—he joked "that the sexual context of come is so common that it bears no weight, and that if someone hearing it becomes upset, he 'probably can't come'..."—and was arrested for obscenity.

He was acquitted, but the Man had his name... and his life became hell. He was persecuted, arrested multiple times, blacklisted by cowardly nightclubs, and finally convicted on trumped up charges.

The injustice consumed him.

What little stage time he could scrounge was devoted to "rants about his court battles over obscenity charges, tirades against fascism and complaints that he was being denied his right to freedom of speech."

He died of a drug overdose in 1966 at age 40.

Life is unfair.

Coming from a man who was shot in the head, those words should be well heeded.

And yet justice is essential. It preserves social order, for humans and animals, provides the fabric for trust and communication and connection ... and when justice is violated, it eats away at society and the soul.

This is especially true when, as in Bruce's case, there is no recourse, no rational mind to hear both sides and judge fairly. When what is precious to you is taken, and you are silenced ... it is suffocating.

That is how I have felt all year.

PURE Reflections was my dearest project. That show contains so much of my life, my personal processing, the culmination of two decades of dance, theater, comedy, Jungian studies. Through it, I brought every skill that is valuable to me to the most beautiful fruition as an actor, dancer, improviser, director, writer, teacher, facilitator, organizer, producer.

And through it many, many lives were touched deeply.

Kaeshi knew this, and she knew that to take this project from me would hurt me more than any other thing she could do.

And so she just had to do it.

Because she was hurting. And when Kaeshi is hurting, she must make sure that others hurt more.

Now... the reason why she was hurting so much that she felt the need to rip my soul out through my chest is still unclear to me.

Perhaps she was upset about Bellyqueen's poorly-received tour; perhaps she was uncomfortable in the smaller PURE Reflections role; or perhaps she felt guilty for choosing to visit theme parks with her mother rather than focus wholly on the show; or perhaps she couldn't bear that the Florida dancers showed love for me as much as they did her and could not gracefully share their affection.

But whatever the reason, she was hurting; and she "healed" her pain by hurting me as much as she could .... more than anyone in my life has ever hurt me.

So... what does one do in this situation?

Imagine: You move in with a person and help them refurnish their house. Then one day you come home and the locks are changed. You are told you are "unstable" and sent away while your former housemate keeps your belongings. Months later, she seeks you out with a cheery, "Hello!" and when you get upset with her for having mistreated you, she says, "You see how angry/crazy/unstable you are?!? This is why I had to throw you out!!"

Gaslighting at its worst.

But even then, I held my tongue. At least publicly.

In mid-February, six weeks after ousting me with insults, lies, and abuse, she wrote asking to meet with me—as though she had done nothing wrong—only now with a mediator of her choosing. I refused ... and I must say this is the one action that I have second-guessed in reviewing the situation, especially in light of this final email from her in that thread:

Please know that I only wish the best for you. I'm sorry if my actions hurt you. I just needed some time out to regroup and recenter. I know that you are a good person and that you only wanted the best for me too. 

One more thing... "if" the Reflections show is remounted again, I'll make sure that you are credited. Thank you for your contribution. I am grateful.

I was almost—almost—moved to respond. It seemed sincere... the apology I had craved so desperately. But something didn't feel right.

I sent the letter to a friend who is good at unpacking confusing and misleading statements; his glib but instructive response was:

1) Point out that "remounted again" is redundant.
2) Point out that putting quotes around "if" is *not* the way to emphasize the word.
3) Ask why she attempted to emphasize the conditionality of the remounting.
4) Tell her that you, too, would give credit where credit is due. Who would even consider the alternative?
5) Suggest that saying that one is grateful is not a substitute for actually being grateful.
6) Do not reply. No reply is necessary. 

I lean towards #6. She can sure pack a sh!tload of stink into a mere eight sentences.

I looked more closely at the sentences. My friend was right: they were not the apology they seemed.

First, she said she "[wished] the best for [me]." But not one thing she had done had been "the best" for me—or even kind, courteous, respectful, or professional.

Then she apologizes for her "actions'" hurting me, as though her actions were completely reasonable and justified, or worse as though her actions were somehow separate from her altogether.

Then she tells me I am a "good person"—suddenly I am no longer the "unstable" and "constantly fighting" person she had earlier portrayed me to be. And then I realized:  One only says "I know you are a good person" to a person who has done something bad. But I had done nothing wrong. So even in her "compliment" she was condemning me with a falsehood.

And then she says that I "only wanted the best for [her] too." Now, it is true that I do generally want the best for others, but my version of what was best for both of us was to meet back in December with a mediator. But she didn't care what I wanted or what I thought or who I really was.

She created imaginary versions of me to suit her whims, straw figures to bat around, to push away then pull forward at her whim.

In December, she conjured me to be a raging madwoman (when she wanted to push me away). In February—when she needed me because plans were solidifying to produce PURE Reflections at a high school—I became the embodiment of compassion and understanding who had absolutely no problem at all with her having treated me like dirt ... because it was "the best" for her.

And no one else matters but her.

This pattern of creating an image of another to justify one's actions is central to conflict, and a theme which I will explore more fully in later work as it has affected me throughout my life.

It is, in a nutshell, this:

If someone has something or is in the way of something you want, or if there is something in yourself or your behavior you don't want to acknowledge or take responsibility for—but you can point to even a hint of it in another—then demonize and dehumanize that person or people. It will make you feel better immediately.

You may start with "harmless" teasing, shunning, or bullying. And if the target of bullying kills him/herself, well they should have been stronger; their weakness it isn't your fault after all. What is most important is that you can walk away from others' pain guilt-free and hang onto your good feelings about yourself.

But in the same way that all politics is local, all justice is personal. If we can sit back and watch the abuse of another, cluck our tongues and say, "Well, I don't need to know the full story, he/she probably deserved it..." then how far down that slippery slope are greater injustices?

How often have people been exploited secretly over a period of time, and when they finally react in anger, their reaction is portrayed as coming from left field? They are deemed "unstable," "angry," not "able to have a normal conversation," dehumanized and made unrelatable.

Because any portrayal of another as "crazy" can easily be used to excuse the most savage injustices: They "started" the fight, they can't be reasoned with, so it is OK to annihilate them. We had no choice, after all. And it was best for everyone—or rather, everyone whom we still consider human.

Interesting that Kaeshi wanted War & Peace to explore the source of conflict; and while the work itself did not, here in the pages of my blog, she got her wish.

Anyway. Back to February.

I decided my friend was right; and I realized that, as much as I deeply cared about the show, it was best for my own sanity to let it go, consoling myself with the knowledge that at least I would be appropriately credited.

But I wasn't.

I got half story credit (Kaeshi claimed the other half), but was not credited for my original direction, my writing of the program, or anything else.

And not only did Pacita claim all of my directing credit, which consists not merely of staging, blocking, thematic emphasis, and storytelling, but the method by which the theatrical content is brought to the dancers, which includes many workshops and exercises in emotional expression, as well as object work and partnering skills learned from my mime and stage combat studies, respectively.

And on top of it, Pacita had the insuperable gall to text me in a panic the night before the first rehearsal and ask me for my notes, stating: "This is me, Pacita, asking for a favor. Not Kaeshi." Really??? Imagine: Your "friend" steals your car, then calls you up asking for the manual.

I was furious.

But even then, I held my tongue.

In late May, I determined that a resolution was necessary; I had to clarify my view of what had happened, as well as articulate the degree of work I had given in co-creating (not "contributing" to) the show. So I sent Kaeshi a long email covering much of what is in these blog entries, as well as opening the door to communication and, hopefully, healing and peace between us.

She responded that she could "tell at a glance" that I was "depressed, bitter and angry ...[and] dripping with vehemence and hate toward [her]."

And even then, I held my tongue.

When I learned about the War & Peace project, I thought that maybe—just maybe—she was trying to understand the nature of conflict, which requires acknowledging the projection of negative parts of ourselves onto others. I wrote a letter to her and the group encouraging the development of this awareness.

Kaeshi responded positively to this, which was encouraging. But I was still quite upset by her treatment of me; and if we were to have a connection she had to at least acknowledge my true position and feelings about this. She'd acted as though her behavior had been OK, as though I should accept that it was OK.

It was not OK.

And so in July, I wrote yet another letter acknowledging that her February email was "an attempt at a sincere apology ...although it didn't seem so at the time." I continued:

But I don't think you understand exactly what it was in your actions that hurt me. It was not that you needed separation or time, or even that you basically threw me out of PURE and the Bellyqueen school, which had been my home in dance for nearly a decade. 

It was that you blamed me -- for everything ... 

If you truly wish to offer an apology, it must be for having betrayed my confidence, as well as for the repeated disrespect you have shown me. It must be for your not taking responsibility for your actions or emotions, for blaming, scapegoating and slandering me. ... 

If you are able to offer a sincere apology for these actions -- not "[my] perception" of these actions, but your actions themselves -- then the next time you see me, I would welcome such an apology -- and perhaps we might start anew at that time.

She didn't answer. And the next few times I saw her, she ignored me.

Yet even then, I held my tongue.

I still kept hope in the War & Peace performance that, even if she couldn't bring herself to reconcile with me directly, she might be at least on the road to developing the emotional and psychological maturity necessary to produce PURE Reflections.

Friends in PURE assured me that the process was going well. They had workshops on conflict and resolution, and even though Kaeshi's travel schedule kept her from attending quite a few of these, there was still a chance she could absorb their message.

But she didn't.

Against the protests of dancers who did realize that "you can't just be friends when everyone is lying around dead," she insisted on imposing her "vision"—a battle choreography ending in a massacre and a bizarre resurrection—a message wholly against PURE's mission. (Remember again, PURE solicits volunteers and tax-deductible donations on the promise of creating peaceful works, so there is a fraud issue here, too.)

After thought and deliberation, I and others who were unhappy with the War & Peace project and saw it as a harbinger of worse to come, decided that, since Kaeshi had failed to listen to private admonitions, it was time to go public. And since I was no longer in PURE, yet had a vested connection to it through PURE Reflections, I was in the best position to do this.

So I wrote the critique.

And even then, while I went into some detail about her behavior to support my contention that she had "not honored the tenets of PURE," I revealed only those aspects that affected her professional work.

So in that regard, I held my tongue there as well.

My hope in writing that critique would be that she might finally see what she had done, that it might spark a hint of realization in her that she had not behaved in accordance with the ideals of healing and peace that she so highly espouses.

At the end of my critique, I asked for a conversation with her. And I was naïve enough to believe that that might happen. But no such luck.

Her response was not to me, but to an unknown number of recipients in the PURE community and beyond. And it did not address even a single point I had made regarding her work; rather it was a wholesale assassination of my character that was riddled with lies and abuses.

And I do not tolerate lies—about me or anybody else.

You can say what you like about me, as long as it's true. As always I prefer tact, but even failing that, I will respect truth; so if you fault me and support it, I will take your words to heart, and even appreciate them because I can be as blind to my failings as anyone else.

But if you lie? Then it is ON.

Kaeshi's letter had been responded to (with full text) and forwarded, for all I knew, well beyond bellydance circles. And the responses showed their absolute acceptance of her version of events and her demonizing characterization of me. There is no way to trace how far these words had gone, how much had been believed; no way to assess the amount of damage to me.

Even when I showed the letter to less discerning friends, they were inclined to believe her. More discerning minds pointed out her contradictions right away, but even when it is clear that something is rotten in Denmark, the truth still remains to be told.

So after many weeks of consideration, I resolved that I could best clear my name by telling the whole story in as wide-reaching a forum as was at my disposal: this blog.

True, there were many reasons not to do this:  Kaeshi is very popular in the bellydance community and has a devoted following; speaking out publicly to reveal her bad behavior could reflect as badly on me as on her (if not more so, as whistleblowers invariably get flack at first) and that I would likely be accused of "airing dirty laundry" or "attention seeking"; further speaking negatively about anyone or anything is extremely taboo in the bellydance community.

(To my surprise, incidentally, most people have responded positively and cited similar abusive situations where they did not speak out but wish they had. And while there were a few accusations of how "friendships break up and sometimes things are not fair," and how "it is so distasteful to air dirty laundry" —by people who seem to proudly proclaim not to know anything about the situation—many have simply been confused by the situation, framing it in whatever way helps them keep Kaeshi in a good light. One even wrote of "miscommunication" and "misunderstanding" saying, "I am really sorry to hear that you and Kaeshi are going through this," as though this situation were caused by some accident of fate—and not her abusive, irrational, and defamatory behavior towards me.)

But as weeks went by, and I mulled the decision over, I realized there were three very good reasons:

(1) For Others:  Two years before, I had been warned that Kaeshi had "issues." I was dimly aware of this, but in denial. And the person who warned me did not go into detail. If that person had, I might have protected myself better. But maybe not...

Even as late as this time last year I would not have believed Kaeshi was capable of the destructiveness she has proven. Because I, like many, also have known her to have a good heart. But it's the less visible not-so-good stuff that eventually blindsided me.

So my writing is a warning and a lesson to others: Protect yourself and your work. Get things in writing. Be direct and ask the difficult questions sooner rather than later.

It is also a lesson in defusing the gaslighter, a person who—intentionally or not—fashions a version of reality to justify/excuse/whitewash their bad behavior. For those of us who avoid conflict—and many in the dance community are this way—we will easily capitulate our own perceptions to accommodate others.

And sometimes this is appropriate, but often it is not. And when we are hurt, when others fashion a version of us to fit their twisted reality, we must stand up and ferret out the truth with whatever power of discernment and dissection we have (and sometimes we may learn the other is right about us ... but we must also have the strength and courage to face this).

For much of my life, I have been an easy target for bullying and gaslighting. I will go into detail about this another time, but I intentionally blunted my sword...perhaps because I thought that capitulating would make people like me more.

But it made me hate myself.

So this is what I would hope for readers who are prey to gaslighters:  That they look at the way I dissected what Kaeshi and Brad wrote and learn that skill for themselves.

Granted, it's not a skill you should use excessively (indeed a friend recently chided that I was "capable of and seem far more interested in a significantly greater volume of communication and dissection than [others]" ... and this is true; part of learning this skill is learning when not to use it... and I am still working on that...). But when your heart, soul, integrity, honor, sanity, etc. are thrown on the line, it is a skill that can save you.

(2) For Kaeshi:  Although her world seems bullet-proof and hermetically sealed, where those in her "circle" give her the unqualified positive reflection she craves, part of me still believes she wants to wake up.

PURE Reflections is about healing through the awareness and integration of one's "shadow/demon" aspects, so I can't help but think this is all a very bizarre case of Life Imitating Art.

When we were in Taiwan, I realized how to solve a problem the show had had since its inception:  We needed to integrate the "Demon" aspect, but in the past this was achieved by having the Self (the main character) and her Reflection (true self) wrestle the Demon to the floor. Once humbled, the Demon is integrated.

But this felt wrong. It ended up a scuffle which was not in line with the message of the show, plus physical fighting was the Demon's bailiwick, so how could the Self and Reflection overpower it that way?

In Taiwan, I realized that the Demon has two essential aspects:  (1) it THINKS it is doing good, even as it drives us to the most self-destructive behavior; and (2) it can't see itself ... it has no idea of the harm it is doing, but once brought to this awareness, it falls to the floor in shame. So I solved the problem by having the Reflection turn the Demon to face the Mirror. Indeed, if there were more time in the music, I would have had the Demon struggle away from the Mirror but be forced to see (think of Alex in A Clockwork Orange), to drive the point home.

So:  Kaeshi's resistance to seeing herself "warts and all" is mammoth. It is, I think, a central problem for her.

When we were in Florida, her behavior towards me was horrific. Instead of helping to create a unified front of leadership for PURE (which, incidentally, she criticizes Rita, the PURE Orlando chapter leader, for betraying; more on that below), she undermined my co-leadership in every way she could, from rolling her eyes when I spoke to berating me in front of others.

This is not the person she wants to be: jealous, bitter, angry, vain. I believe she truly wants to be the kind of person who can gracefully give others their due credit, to step aside and let others lead, let them be the focus, and she makes efforts to act in this way—she even insisted on putting my name above hers in the Florida program, against my own protests, since she was the Artistic Director.

Indeed, she can even be seen smiling with authentic warmth in the photo of my final bow. So yes, I really do believe she wants to be the person she portrays. But she simply isn't; not yet, anyway. And she will never grow to be this person while she is denying, and rallying friends to help her deny, the complex and contradictory person she really is.

So, since she couldn't contain this contradiction and resolve it, she had to find a reason to justify her behavior that was outside herself:  me.

And it became my fault that she'd acted as she did. In her mind, I was "stepping on [her] toes" and "not being deferential enough" (yes, really).

Now, even though she and I had agreed that I would take main leadership because of her choice to visit theme parks, she found herself unhappy with this decision. If she could have said to herself, "I thought I would be OK with Carol in charge, but I'm really upset by it," and realized that she had put herself in a position that made her feel upset, then all of this could have been averted.

Her emotional reality, I believe, was that she felt usurped and marginalized. And those are completely valid feelings. But the larger reality was that I was not doing this to her; I was putting a show together, behaving normally and professionally. But she could not tell the difference between her emotional reality and the larger reality. (i.e. Just because one FEELS attacked, doesn't mean one actually IS attacked; and if we can't tell the difference, we may end up attacking "in response" to an attack that never happened. And then we are in conflict.)

So she could not see her own hand in creating her distress, and went to insane lengths to deflect any such responsibility.

This is hugely evident in her conversation with Robert, the husband of the former PURE Orlando chapter leader, Rita.

Rita had also been vocal in her reservations about the War & Peace performance, and Kaeshi lambasted her with texts the following day, questioning where her "alliances lie." The texts flew in so furiously that Robert took Rita's phone away, asking Kaeshi speak to him instead.

Robert, a Desert Shield and Desert Storm veteran with experience in the mental health field, is skilled in dealing with gaslighting. An effective technique is to keep bringing the gaslighter back to some central claim that you know is false, and keep track of what is actually said because a gaslighter has a fertile imagination.

Here is his account of that conversation, which he posted to the PURE Orlando Facebook group, and which I publish here by his request:

Hello, all. I'm going to start off here by apologizing. I'm sorry. Why? Because Kaeshi Chai has seen fit to disband PURE Orlando, and it's all my fault. Allow me to explain.
Last night, my wife (Rita) posted a critique of the performance for the PURE's 9th Annual Guerilla Street Performance. Rita was honest in her appraisal of the performance and asked questions concerning the theme(s) involved. Her critique wasn't exactly positive, and her comments have since been deleted. Apparently, Kaeshi interpreted the critique as an attack upon herself, personally. Kaeshi and Rita began trading text messages today regarding the situation. Now, be aware that Rita has been sick for the past week, and can barely talk. 

The texts started to go downhill, and I finally got pissed off, myself, when Kaeshi texted "If you are going to publicly denounce me as the leader of PURE, I am questioning where your alliances lie. Perhaps it's time that PURE Orlando take a hiatus". At NO time did Rita denounce Kaeshi. Rita simply critiqued the PURE performance, and asked why some things were done the way they were. Again, Kaeshi took this as a personal attack. Kaeshi kept firing off text after text to Rita, basically reducing Rita to tears. I took Rita's phone, texted Kaeshi back that Rita was sick and that I had put her to bed and taken her phone away so she could get some rest. I then texted Kaeshi to call me personally on my cell phone. I got a response that she was now in a Bellyqueen meeting. 

Several hours later, I finally get the call from Kaeshi. Things started out smoothly enough, but quickly deteriorated. I asked her why she thought Rita's critique of the performance was actually an attack upon her. Kaeshi sidestepped the question. She began talking about all manner of things except answering my question. It was about the point when she stated, "I am PURE" and "I am the leader of PURE", that I started getting angry again. So, I corrected her. I told her that she wasn't PURE, that it was the dancers and various Chapters that were PURE, not a single member. That didn't go over well. I then told her that she had evaded my original question: why she thought Rita's critique was a personal attack?

Kaeshi started spinning a tale of how Rita was in collusion with Carol (Henning). For those that don't the story there, it's a bit of a long story and I won't go into it here. Suffice to say that Carol isn't in PURE any more. Kaeshi talked about [how] she was being blamed for Rita being on medication for several months about a year ago. So, I then informed her that I used to work in the Mental Health field, and asked why she was being so defensive, bringing up things that happened approximately a year ago, why she didn't deal with those issues at that time, and why she still hadn't answered my original question. I then got a lecture about me accusing her of being "mentally ill". I told her that I never stated that, and not to twist my words around. I then asked her why she still hadn't answered my question, why she had evaded the question three times. She started talking about Carol again. She stated that Rita should have called her or sent her an email before publicly posting a negative critique. Then I lost my temper. Those who know me, know that I very, very rarely lose my temper. Bad things happen when I do. 

I questioned (again) why she thought an honest critique was a personal attack upon her. I questioned why she thought Rita should have contacted her in any way other than she had numerous times before. I questioned her defensiveness. I questioned why she thought she was so high and mighty, that she thought that "I am PURE". I questioned why she was so insecure that she had to say over and over again, "I am the leader of PURE", like a mantra. I questioned why she was bringing Carol into the middle of this, when Rita literally critiqued and posted her comments about the PURE performance before she spoke to anyone else. I questioned why she couldn't answer a simple frikkin' question. She obviously didn't like being on taken to task, and immediately asked to speak to Rita. I reminded her that Rita was sick, and could barely talk. 

I continued my questions, never getting an adequate response. I asked her what PURE's mission statement is. She told me. I asked her if there were room for betterment in PURE. She said there always was. I informed her that, that is where honest critiques come in. That PURE couldn't get better if honest critiques weren't done. I told her she needed to step down and get off her high horse. I told her that a leader leads by example, and that the example she was setting was pathetic. She then told me that, based on our phone conversation, that PURE Orlando was hereby disbanded. I asked her, "because YOU are PURE, right?", and she said yes. Somewhere in the middle of me telling her that she needed to grow up, that her maturity factor sucked, and that she needed to step up and be a real leader, she hung up on me.   

So, there it is, in all it's gory detail. To the members of PURE Orlando, I truly and sincerely apologize. To the friends of PURE Orlando, I also truly and sincerely apologize. The only thing that I'm apologizing for here, is that I pushed Kaeshi into disbanding PURE Orlando. However, I won't apologize for standing up to someone who attacked and tried to bully my wife. Kaeshi picked this fight. I merely finished it.

While I have my own an analysis of this interaction, I would like to present Robert's instead, as another method of parsing out and exposing gaslighting behavior. In particular, he addresses this sentence: "If you are going to publicly denounce me as the leader of PURE, I am questioning where your alliances lie. Perhaps it's time that PURE Orlando take a hiatus".

She accuses Rita of publicly denouncing her. Never happened, but I digress... Kaeshi takes the critique as a personal attack and believes Rita is denouncing her. So we have a case of defensiveness and insecurity here, and Kaeshi immediately tries to establish dominance by referring to herself as the leader of PURE [she had done this in her texts and on the phone with Robert], and tries to browbeat Rita into submission. Then, Kaeshi questions where Rita's alliances lie. Again, defensive and insecure, and a touch of fear to boot. I mean, good golly... She accuses Rita of calling her out and denouncing her, and suggests Rita wouldn't do that if someone (or several others) didn't have her back. Who else has Rita been allying with? Paranoid much, Kaeshi? So, here we have Kaeshi angry, confused, defensive, insecure, fearful and paranoid (all within the space of 2 sentences which took all of 5 seconds to text and send), so she lashes out and tries to blackmail Rita by threatening PURE Orlando with a hiatus? None of whom had anything to do whatsoever with the critique Rita did? Kaeshi had absolutely no problem with threatening to punish innocent people, whose sole offense was being part of PURE Orlando, in order to make Rita bow to her desires. That is truly and utterly despicable. It is ruthless, callous, spiteful, tyrannical, and petty beyond all reasonable measure. There is absolutely no valid excuse for that kind of behavior. Two little sentences, and so much revealed about Kaeshi...

(3) For Myself:  As mentioned above, this situation has plagued me for a year, during which time I vacillated between holding on and letting go, pulling away and being pulled back.

I thought of the many, many times in my life where I had been bullied and abused, and that the form this abuse often took was in negative characterizations followed by claims of support (I once had a boyfriend who liked to tell me I was "not fit to live", and then go on about how much he loved me). I thought about the many conversations I had had with Kaeshi in which she told me all the things that were wrong with me and all the ways I needed to change—never once admitting to any flaw in herself.

And I thought of how poor a grasp I had of who I truly was, and found myself agreeing—much like South Park's Butters—to whatever I was accused of because these accusations invariably rested in "he said/she said" stuff, and because I tend towards self-doubt I would always let the other person's version of reality trump mine (particularly when the other person has no capacity for self-doubt whatsoever).

But here, I had the emails.

I had absolute, incontrovertible proof that my recollection was accurate.

And then I had her email to PURE.

It was so clear, so irrefutable, that for all the reasons mentioned above and for the sake of my own integrity, the act of going through each line—dissecting it, and comparing it to what had actually happened—gave me the relief I sought.

Now, I had considered doing this privately, or sharing with just a few, but again for the reasons above it had to be public. And for myself, the knowledge of a public audience held me to a very high standard: I could not allow myself any false conclusions, no sloppy or lazy thinking; every observation and argument had to be air-tight. And it has been.

And I've learned a lot about myself in the process. I've learned I can really, really write, that I do not scrimp on detail and am rigorous in my attention to fact and logic (i.e. that each conclusion can reasonably be drawn from the prior). And I learned that even in the most ugly, arduous task, I will find moments of levity (though I kind of knew this already... :-> ).

Another friend chided me about having written "ten walls of text" and that this might prove Kaeshi's charge of "instability." And I think even just a few months ago a claim like that would have eaten away at me ... but it hasn't.

Because when I look at my own copious words, I see reasoning that makes sense. And many others have too.

And now that I have this "dissecting" ability honed and at the ready to a degree I never have before, I can say to such a person: "OK, if you believe this makes me look unstable, can you tell me how you draw that conclusion? I am responding to her very long letter which contained many lies. One may need 500 words to refute a five-word lie, because you must not only refute the lie with evidence, you have to say the truth and support that as well."

And so the charge is deflated.

And even if the other still chooses to believe this, I know it is not true, because my reasoning has satisfied itself. And in cases where my reasoning is not solid, and I can't see it, I have friends who will point that out too—because that sword works both ways...which may explain why so many are loath to use it. It takes some strength to wield that sword, and to handle the consequences of doing so.

Hopefully I will not need to undertake a project like this anytime in the future since, at the very least, I may have culled enough wisdom to not place myself in such a situation again. But one never knows what the future will bring, I can only hope that I will face it boldly and handle it in the way that is true to me.

The End.

P.S. Lenny Bruce was pardoned posthumously in 2003 by Governor Pataki.

Response to Kaeshi & Brad—Part X: Brad's "Delusional, Revisionist History"

The day after I posted my critique of PURE's War & Peace performance in an Open Letter to Kaeshi Chai, she sent a response that I understand made significant rounds through the internet. Since it contains many false and hurtful statements about me and others, I feel compelled to respond.

What follows is the tenth part of that response, which addresses claims made by Kaeshi's husband Brad, in support of her claims. For further info, please see:

My Q&A About Why the Critique was Necessary
Part I: Introduction to the Defensive Screed
Part II: Perspectives on the Underdog
Part III: Anger Management
Part IV: Sabotage
Part V: Kaeshi's "Red Zone"
Part VI: Violent Communications
Part VII: The Gangrened and Diseased Limb
Part VIII: Transgressions
Part IX: The Inner-Warrior
Part X: Brad's "Delusional, Revisionist History"
Part XI: Final Thoughts (or If Lenny Bruce Had a Blog) 

Brad's Letter to PURE

Thanks for sharing, K____! 

It's pretty awesome to see all of your support and I agree with Alura's point that it's best not to encourage Carol. Ignore her. She's looking for attention so don't take anything she says personally. That said, I care a great deal about Kaeshi so its [sic] hard to stay silent and I want to share some thoughts with all of you.

Similar to Kaeshi, Brad feels entitled to look inside my mind and presume that I'm "looking for attention." This is an especially cheap shot, and one I would have thought unworthy of him. And, like his wife, he offers no basis for this, but simply declares it as fact.

To say someone "wants attention" is a way to infantilize and therefore discredit them: They are a screaming child who should be shunned (though I must question a culture that decides the best way to handle a screaming child is to shun/berate/shame them... but that is a matter for another time). And by saying "she's looking for attention" Brad and Alura attempt to play the role of adults even as they behave very, very badly, themselves.

First: Anyone who writes in a blog or on any social media does so with the hope their work will garner attention. Second: Anyone who dances in the street in costume is also hoping for the attention of an audience. In both cases, attention may be warranted; but this is different from "looking for attention" which implies generic attention is the primary motive. Third: Nothing I said in my critique was personal to the dancers of PURE. Rather I pointed out how what I knew to be Kaeshi's personal conflict was negatively affecting her professional work.

In my writing, I did call attention to what appears to be an abusive situation, where an organization that continues to use my work and name to promote itself seeks volunteer support as well as tax-deductible donations on the promise of creating work that unambiguously supports healing and peace.

Indeed, one of the PURE chapter facilitators expressed concern at being unable to find a venue in which to perform the War & Peace choreography, because her town is "not as progressive as New York." But any work with an "inspiring" and peaceful message should not need to be couched and contained in a special venue for special audiences.

At least, that has never been my understanding of work consistent with the goals of PURE.

It's very hard for me to imagine that Carol will ever find a greater champion, or defender, than Kaeshi.

Then Brad should stop imagining and pay attention to reality.

Kaeshi is not and has never been my "champion." She has availed herself of my professional services as an actor, director, and comedienne, and while I appreciate those professional opportunities, her acknowledgement and use of my skills does not make her my "champion."

And it is insulting to claim I need a "defender." The only defense I have ever needed in Kaeshi's "circle" has been against the unfair and unkind image of me she herself has created—the very image which can lead a lazy, susceptible mind to hear words like, "I don't want to let this fail" and return with, "You're sabotaging PURE."

Carol was given numerous performing and leadership opportunities ultimately leading to her involvement in the Reflections show that took her around the globe. Just read Carol's bio on her blog to see, in her own words, some of the opportunities she was offered through her involvement with PURE.

To begin with, my work on PURE Reflections is what made it into a workshop/performance experience that was worth taking around the globe—something PURE had never done before. And while this would not have happened without Kaeshi, it certainly would not have been possible without me. The recent lackluster "teen" production is a testament to my essential value to this show.

It is also worth noting that the main reason Kaeshi "gave" me "leadership opportunities" was that I was the only one in the group who was willing and able to step up as a leader for PURE when Kaeshi was not present (apparently a source of continuing resentment for my former co-Facilitator Alura), as well as do the bulk of work required to bring PURE Reflections to Japan, Taiwan, and Florida.

Further, it seems likely that the true cause of her rift with me was simply that I wanted to be fully credited for the work I had been doing for years.

And she never "championed" or gave me any special opportunity as a dancer, even though she had been my primary dance teacher.

Throughout the production of the Reflections show I would sit at home, well into the AM hours, and watch Kaeshi take calls, almost nightly, from dancers who were leaving or wanted to leave PURE directly because of Carols involvement. To be sure, Carol is an incredibly intelligent and gifted artist. Unfortunately, she's also very difficult to work with.

Brad asserts I am "very difficult to work with" but—in spite of the fact that I have worked with him harmoniously for six years, in PURE as both a dancer and musician (I led the drummers in Japan and Taiwan), and as his drumming student—he must reach three years into the past to conversations he wasn't a party to, about events he did not witness, to support this ridiculous claim.

If I were so difficult to work with, shouldn't he have some better example from his own experience to offer? He doesn't, because one doesn't exist.

It is all part of Kaeshi's Grand Fictional Reality.

Part of this fiction revolves around the tensions that emerged in PURE while creating PURE Reflections in 2009. Kaeshi was way over her head in this process—which became apparent when, even after months of exercises and explorations on body image, we still had no viable show two weeks before curtain.

Kaeshi had never created a theater show with a cohesive narrative.

I was the only person in the group with experience in theater as an actor, director, and writer. Interesting that Brad credits her with having "given [me] ... leadership opportunities," yet in spite of my extensive theatrical experience, Kaeshi brought in—and paid!—a "director," Dixie, an actor who had no directing experience whatsoever!

If Kaeshi were inclined to give me "leadership opportunities," why did she not ask me to direct in the first place? After all, I was already part of the process for free.

While Dixie offered some useful acting exercises, she had no idea how to create a narrative an audience could follow. Nor did anyone else, so this job fell to me—and I rose to it. But even then Kaeshi did not acknowledge my work during the process. If she had simply told the dancers, "Carol has over a decade of experience as an actor and director, so please respect her opinions," that would have eased the process for everyone.

But she didn't. This created consternation in the group, as they became confused and frustrated, not understanding why I was speaking up centrally, and why Kaeshi herself often deferred to my judgment. This, I suspect, would have been the real content of Kaeshi's alleged late-night discussions with PURE members, though I doubt whether she "defended" the importance of my role in this process.

And yet Kaeshi herself acknowledged my role in creating the narrative in the first email blast promoting the PURE Reflections, where she credited the show as "written by" me. She did this without asking me or anyone else involved in the show.

When I saw the mailing, I wrote back that I appreciated the "sartorial" credit for "sewing it together"—which I did. But suggested that "written" was not the right word and asked it to be changed to "story by," which is how it has been credited since, although now Kaeshi claims half of that credit for herself.

Unfortunately, the damage of the "written by" credit had been done: Almost immediately other PURE members wrote angrily that I had been credited unfairly. I wrote to some of them privately to clarify my role in the process, but Kaeshi made no effort to clarify this misunderstanding to the group. And it festered.

And since the members had never been part of this kind of creation process which, like any birth, is as painful as it is rewarding, nothing had prepared them for its difficulty, and nothing gave them closure when it was finished.

Although I knew there was stress in the group, and dealt with it personally as best I could (which was tricky not being officially a "leader" of the project), I had no clue that members were as upset as it now appears they were.

For Brad to mention three years later that the group was so upset that even he was aware of it tells me that Kaeshi woefully mismanaged their feelings. Rather than address their emotions honestly and directly in a group setting where grievances could have been aired and acknowledged, and clarifications given, she allowed me to be the lightning rod for their discontent—a disservice to me, the group, and the project itself.

So, not only did she undermine my leading participation during the creation process, when she finally acknowledged it, she did so in a way that caused enduring resentment towards me, and negative feelings on the whole.

It's been fascinating to see her spin a delusional, revisionist history where she is the martyr and Kaeshi is the inflexible tyrant.

It has been fascinating to see a thoughtful, intelligent, rational man capitulate entirely, sacrificing the reality of his own experience—indeed a reality available in the black-and-white text of Kaeshi's own emails—to support his wife's mendacious, self-serving narrative.

What is most fascinating is that the history I presented in my critique is not disputed even by Kaeshi herself!

She does not deny ejecting Liz and me from PURE with no recourse; she does not even deny that her behavior in Florida was inappropriate (she simply blames me for it). The only aspect in dispute is why she ejected us. And her version of events is easily refuted by her own emails to me and Liz.

And at no point do I refer to Kaeshi as a "tyrant," or even suggest her behavior was tyrannical. A tyrant imposes his or her will without qualm. Kaeshi shifts blame, lies, and makes excuses. So clearly she has qualms with her own behavior or she would not struggle so frantically to deny or deflect it.

She is less like a tyrant and more like a brat.

In my long history as a professional artist I can honestly say Kaeshi is one of the most compassionate and ego-free leaders I have ever collaborated with. 

Ummm... OK. Remember he is talking about his wife here. And what exactly does "ego-free" mean, anyway? Further, Kaeshi was most certainly not compassionate to me, Liz or, subsequently, the erstwhile PURE Orlando chapter leader Rita and her husband Robert, nor to the PURE Orlando chapter itself, which is still needlessly on "hiatus."

She was senselessly brutal to all of us.

She will offer another dancer the spotlight or give someone the opportunity to express themselves rather than impose her creative will and she is completely comfortable letting others choreograph when she is not present. Does Kaeshi want input as the Creative Director of PURE. Sure. Does she expect she'll be listened to when she's offering an idea. Understandably, yes, but she's also willing to listen if the other person is able to have a normal conversation. Does she expect to be people to bow at her feet and submit their will to her dictatorial desires. Of course not.

This is an even more fascinating paragraph, as nothing in it addresses anything I wrote. (Brad does, however, manage to take one nasty shot at me by suggesting I am not "able to have a normal conversation"—really, Brad, shame on you. This is so beneath you.)

Instead, out of nowhere, he goes on about Kaeshi's ego and "dictatorial desires."

Generally, when a person defends against statements that have not been made, they are in fact revealing their own opinions and perceptions. For example, if I say, "Do you like the color of this dress?" and you answer, "It's great! It doesn't make you look fat at all!" What you're really saying is: "Put the dress back, and put down the Doritos."

As it happens, Kaeshi does have a reputation of being controlling and dictatorial.

I have always considered this reputation to be unfair as in my personal experience she has been a very good collaborator, which is why PURE Reflections came out as well as it did. She challenged my perceptions and decisions just as I challenged hers. In many cases I deferred to her judgment, and in many others she deferred to mine; and in yet more, we met in the middle to create the best work possible. (An excellent example of this is the "Relapse" scene from PURE Reflections, which I will at some point write about as an example of the collaborative process at its best).

So not only did I not say or imply those things; my personal opinion is the complete opposite. Her ability to collaborate has nothing to do with her bizarre and irrationally cruel behavior during and subsequent to the Florida PURE Reflections project.

And Brad actually knows this, so it is even more strange and telling that he would go on at length to deny it here.

I'm sure you probably all know this already but be cautious of a forced or unsolicited opinion because there's usually unseen baggage attached. You're all smart, creative, vital folks and I trust you to seek the full story then make up your minds. And if you don't need the full story that's fine. Trust your heart. 

Cheers,
Brad

Although I don't appreciate the implication that I am inclined to force my opinion on others (generally, I'm not, though I suppose the initial post to the PURE thread on Facebook qualifies as an applicable exception, so touché, Brad), he is correct here that this situation does have quite a lot of baggage attached.

It has been an awful burden to carry around these many months and I am glad for the ability to set it down and sort it out here.

And I have appreciated the support and feedback of the many, many people who have followed me through this process, who have have found it in their hearts to seek the "full story," even when that story contains elements that are difficult to hear and that contradicts what they've wanted to believe.

I have especially been heartened to learn about the many friends who have been emboldened to stand up for themselves, to hold onto what they know to be true, even when that truth is inconvenient and may cause bristling discomfort to others.

There is more to be said on this in the final entry, but for now—on this weekend of Thanksgiving—once again, let me say THANK YOU!


To be concluded in Part XI: Final Thoughts (or If Lenny Bruce Had a Blog)

Response to Kaeshi & Brad—Part IX: The Inner-Warrior

The day after I posted my critique of PURE's War & Peace performance in an Open Letter to Kaeshi Chai, she sent a response that I understand made significant rounds through the internet. Since it contains many false and hurtful statements about me and others, I feel compelled to respond.

What follows is the ninth part of that response. For further info, please see:

My Q&A About Why the Critique was Necessary
Part I: Introduction to the Defensive Screed
Part II: Perspectives on the Underdog
Part III: Anger Management
Part IV: Sabotage
Part V: Kaeshi's "Red Zone"
Part VI: Violent Communications
Part VII: The Gangrened and Diseased Limb
Part VIII: Transgressions
Part IX: The Inner-Warrior
Part X: Brad's "Delusional, Revisionist History"
Part XI: Final Thoughts (or If Lenny Bruce Had a Blog) 

(Kaeshi's letter, continued)

I believe that Carol's motivation with writing her public essay dissecting our 10 minute choreography is she wants to prove to the world that we are lost at sea without her "superior intelligence" as our compass to stay true to the message of PURE.

My motivation was stated directly in the introduction to the critique: I sought to demonstrate that the War & Peace performance "was [Kaeshi's] effort to come to terms with the conflict she felt towards me, but sadly it was ineffectual in its intended message of peace and reconciliation. While the presentation itself is enjoyable and entertaining ... it is senselessly violent and sadly off-the-rails from the message of PURE that I and others have embraced these many years."

I parsed the action of the piece and offered truthful and, where possible, unequivocally substantiated evidence to support my opinion.

Kaeshi does not offer any quote of mine to support her conclusion, yet blithely presumes to look inside my mind for motives regarding "superior intelligence" and PURE's "compass."

But applying a discerning eye to an art has far less to do with intelligence than it does with knowledge of that art, as well as uncompromising honesty and integrity. It is a skill I have taken decades to develop and have encouraged her and others in PURE to do the same.

That is all that is needed as a "compass to stay true to the message of PURE." And indeed, she herself proclaimed the piece would "explore the conflict between two sides escalating into war and the subsequent consequences, loss of life and eventual evolution to forgiveness, healing, peace and celebration..." which is very much in line with PURE's mission, proving the compass is intact and functioning.

Kaeshi is just not looking at it.

With very little time, we created an engaging and powerful dance piece that was wonderful to perform and witness.

Totally true. And I said so myself:  "[T]he choreography is indeed impressive and exciting; it is clear everyone worked very hard on it to a stunning effect." And Rita said so too. There was never any problem with the choreography; the only problem was with the narrative and whether the message was appropriate to PURE.

It allowed women who have suffered greatly in their lives to access their inner warrior and to have the courage to come out share that with others. It was a refreshing change of pace from the regular Foundation choreography (which has already been performed over and over for the last 8 years).

This may be, and it's a wonderful development—and as a student of martial arts myself I can attest that combative posturing is excellent to help women connect with "warrior energy." But since we don't walk through our lives with swords and staves at a ready stance, let me ask:

How does "[accessing the] inner warrior... [help those] who have suffered greatly in their lives ... to have ... courage"?

It is in this:

Our inner-warrior is the grounded, discerning part of ourselves that enables us to form and defend our own perceptions and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. It is not afraid to stand up against conflicting perceptions, nor is it afraid to seek further information that might newly inform those perceptions or beliefs.

It contains our strength and integrity; it honors our most trenchant observations and most powerful feelings. It can hold the inner world up to the outer, recognizing both, invalidating neither—giving voice to the inner, while fully hearing the outer—balancing, negotiating, defending, receiving with skillful equanimity.

Above all, the blade of the inner-warrior seeks truth; it can discern and cut away that which is false, whether that falseness comes from within or without. And when it comes from without, the inner-warrior will proudly face rejection from another in favor of its own hard-won integrity.

As War & Peace was being created, many dancers realized it was going off the rails. And some stood up and spoke truth to power.

It's a painful situation, and one in which I have not always fared so well myself. Rejection, ostracism, disconnection—for women in particular who are taught to please and comfort—these can be devastating consequences which persistently compel us to undermine ourselves, our own perception of reality, in favor of another's perception.

As women, we allow ourselves to be defined far too readily by the perceptions of others ... which gives others tremendous power over us. Powerlessness is the chief aspect of suffering, so our inner-warrior can indeed transform our suffering as we connect to its authentic power.

But just as Brené Brown warns that you can't selectively numb emotion, so too you can't selectively dull your warrior blade.

If you make a choice to accept another's version of reality above your own perceptions, above your own duty to learn the facts that might inform a truthful perception—for the sake of living in that person's world, playing in their playground, and availing yourself of their playthings—then your inner-warrior will become no more than a toy soldier with a paper blade that will crumple to a wad when you most need its strength.

I am proud of everyone and am incredibly thank you [sic] for the leap of faith and investment of energy and time to helping bring my vision to life.

The words "my vision" indicate that it was not a group creation, developed through months of exploration of the theme, but rather the enactment of her personal agenda.

I'm really sorry to drag you guys into this conflict. 

She says's she's "really sorry" but some odd 1,300 words later, this rings somewhat hollow.

Recall, again, most people receiving this email had no idea what she was talking about, some predictably responding, "I was just made aware of what's been happening from Kaeshi's email and this shocks me."

Kaeshi's first words describe an "attack" and so her most devoted friends understandably leapt to her defense—with no clue as to what they were defending against—lavishing effusive praise on Kaeshi, which strikes me as a highly manipulative exploitation of their affection.

Inasmuch as she needed to respond, she should have done so in a professional, respectful form that addressed the actual points I made in a forum in which I could respond if need be, rather than undertaking a semi-secretive, falsehood-laden wholesale assassination of  Liz's and my character.

My sincere hope is that Carol will heal from this, move on with her life and take her boundless energy and talent and start up her own group or project instead of channeling it into negativity toward me and PURE. 

Thank you in advance for listening to my perspective,
xoxo,
Kaeshi

Given the overwhelming number of outright lies and savage accusations in this letter, the words "sincere," "hope," and "heal" seem a bit out of place.

I have been alternately irritated and amused by Kaeshi's repeated "hope" that I "heal" from injuries she, herself, remorselessly caused (but takes no responsibility for having caused), and then her dovetailing praise ("boundless energy and talent") with recrimination ("negativity toward me and PURE").

And in this, the compliment becomes an insult, as she implies I am misusing my "energy and talent" by shining a light on her abusive and unethical behavior, characterizing my focus on justice as "negativity."

And then there is the lying.

Even here she manages to slip in one final untruth with her "hope...that [I]...start up [my] own group or project," when she knows full well that I have a self-written full-length touring solo theater show, dance frequently in solo and group performances, am active in musical improv, perform Shakespeare with an acclaimed theater company, have my own non-profit arts company, and teach!

Further, it is precisely because my creative and professional world is larger than PURE, Bellyqueen or even the bellydance community that I am able to speak up at all; everyone else who has been similarly mistreated has been cowed into silence for fear of harming their status in the dance community.

Once again, she paints a self-serving, derisive image of me to fit her wholly delusional version of reality.

To be continued in Part X: Brad's "Delusional, Revisionist History"

Response to Kaeshi & Brad—Part VIII: Transgressions

The day after I posted my critique of PURE's War & Peace performance in an Open Letter to Kaeshi Chai, she sent a response that I understand made significant rounds through the internet. Since it contains many false and hurtful statements about me and others, I feel compelled to respond.

What follows is the eighth part of that response. For further info, please see:

My Q&A About Why the Critique was Necessary
Part I: Introduction to the Defensive Screed
Part II: Perspectives on the Underdog
Part III: Anger Management
Part IV: Sabotage
Part V: Kaeshi's "Red Zone"
Part VI: Violent Communications
Part VII: The Gangrened and Diseased Limb
Part VIII: Transgressions
Part IX: The Inner-Warrior
Part X: Brad's "Delusional, Revisionist History"
Part XI: Final Thoughts (or If Lenny Bruce Had a Blog) 

(Kaeshi's letter, continued)

Regarding the issue of the ex-treasurer of PURE, Liz Free who she is also publicly accusing me of unfairly casting out, I will let the facts speak for themselves. Keep in mind that this is something I would prefer not to share, mostly for the Liz's [sic] reputation, but Carol continues to bring it up publicly so unfortunately, I can no longer remain silent. ... 

Once again, Kaeshi lies.

I had not ever, directly or indirectly,  in any public or semi-public forum, brought up any aspect regarding Kaeshi's allegations towards or treatment of Liz. Her false accusation that I "[continue] to bring it up publicly" seems intended to cast blame on me (again) for "forcing" Kaeshi's hand in disclosing the details of the matter.

But I have not, and I will not do this. I will, however, discuss Kaeshi's actions towards Liz and her shifting perspective on these allegations.

Since, therefore, this section of the letter contains Kaeshi's claims against Liz—which range from exaggerated to outright fabricated—I am redacting this portion.

Let it suffice to say that, yes, Liz transgressed. The degree of transgression is debatable, but let me offer these facts which, speaking for themselves, tell the story of a minor transgression and a questionably delayed yet vicious overreaction by Kaeshi:

(1) Liz did something that she knew Kaeshi had done many times.

(2) Kaeshi had never been clear with Liz or anyone else as to whether or not this act was permitted.

(3) Kaeshi discovered Liz's actions when Kaeshi, herself, undertook that very same action in early September.

(4) Kaeshi deemed Liz's actions to be a transgression and confronted her about it on Tuesday, September 13, 2011. Liz acknowledged her actions without defensiveness, denial or equivocation, further agreed to Kaeshi's definition of those actions as a transgression, and agreed to make restitution.

(5) Per Kaeshi's request, I and another member of PURE who specializes in these matters met with Liz in October to determine how best to repair the situation. Liz made partial restitution within a week of this meeting, with a promise of completion by the end of the year as her resources allowed (which, incidentally, she did).

(6) I discussed this situation with Kaeshi several times in September and October, and she agreed that Liz had merely made an error in judgment and, as such, Liz remained in her position as an Officer of PURE for three months.

(7) During the two weeks after her return from Florida's PURE Reflections, Kaeshi contacted me over a half-dozen times by email, voice, and text/Facebook messaging. Due to the abusive tone of these messages, I did not respond to them. The last of these messages arrived via Facebook on Tuesday, December 12 at 11:35pm.

(8) On Tuesday, December 12, 2011 at 11:50pm—fifteen minutes after her final message to me, and having not contacted Liz about the matter for three months—Kaeshi sent the following email to Liz:

We can approach this two ways, either we can be quiet and civil about it or I will press charges and share what you did with the rest of the community. What you did was a criminal act and there are consequences to your actions. 

I suggest you respond promptly to this e-mail or pick up the phone when I call you tomorrow...

Aside from the inappropriate abrasiveness of the tone, as well as the threat of defamation (which she has now made good on, blaming me in the process), note the implication that Liz had been ignoring her when, in fact, Liz had been responsive and proactive.

It was me who had been ignoring Kaeshi, not Liz. Yet her words suggest she had conflated us in her mind to be one person who did not "respond promptly."

The following morning, Kaeshi sent Liz two more similarly abrasive emails in quick succession claiming her actions "[qualify] as a felony."

(9) On Wednesday, December 13, 2011 at 1:36pm, Liz replied to Kaeshi, detailing the meeting with me and the other PURE member, what our assessment had been, and what Liz had to do to make amends. She pointed out that she had already done the agreed upon portion in October, and said explicitly when and how she would complete the work, and further added, "Yes I transgressed and I am sorry... However I am making restitution."

Liz also begged some compassion regarding the sudden deaths of her boss and of JeniViva, who had been her teacher, friend, and main influence in dance at that time, writing: "[A]s you can imagine the office is in a tailspin and today even more so ... between my Boss passing, the memorial and the grief I am still experiencing over the loss of Jeniviva I am very very distracted."

(10) Kaeshi replied with the following:

I was not present at the meeting with [Carol and the other PURE member] and am not in agreement [as to your full restitution]. 

First I need to embark on my own investigation and ... then I will come up with my own [assessment]. ... 

You have engaged in criminal activity, have broken my trust and friendship and betrayed the moral code of PURE. You are no longer welcome in my circle. If I hear from others about you speaking negatively of me, Jebon, PURE or Bellyqueen, I will not hesitate to share with them the truth of what happened.

Now, I reiterate, Kaeshi sent these threatening emails a full three months after the situation came to light, during which time Kaeshi let Liz believe that her apology and restitution were accepted, and that all was forgiven.

This cannot be stressed too strongly:  Kaeshi has claimed that she did not deal fully with the matter in September, October, and November because of her "overloaded schedule," but shouldn't something that warrants threats of arrest and public condemnation be dealt with quickly, fully, and finallly? If it were so serious, why did Liz remain an Officer of PURE during that entire time!?

And in the first two weeks of December, Kaeshi had had plenty of time to badger me with emails, etc. but did not contact Liz once about this purportedly serious infraction. It was only after she was not able to reach me that she directed her attention to Liz, a much more vulnerable member of the dance community from whom she knew she could compel a prompt response.

And so, by the whim of her own unchecked fury, Kaeshi reversed on Liz without warning and ripped her to shreds with silencing, blackmailing threats of arrest, defamation, and ostracism, should she dare to express her own perspective on the situation (or even a critical word about Je'Bon?!?).

I ask you: what kind of person does this??

And she continues ignoring or rebuffing Liz's most earnest pleas for kindness: "Kaeshi, I know you can be compassionate and you have a Good Heart. I Never [sic] meant to hurt you or PURE. I got stupid and I am very very sorry!!!"

I chose the more humane route of not pressing charges if she promised to [repair the damage]. ...[A transgression like this] is not OK, especially [in] a peaceful organization like PURE... She is a grown adult woman who has free choice over her own behavior. I do not want "friends" that take advantage of my trust in my circle and Yes [sic], I did ban her from the Bellyqueen School, PURE and Djam events because of her actions.

This content is addressed above, although notice the word "humane," which she also used in her private email to me of May 30, 2012:

I also confronted her multiple times and she simply ignored me. She only responded after I told her I would go to the police. I could have pressed charges and had her arrested but I chose the more humane course of action and decided to settle it ourselves. 

A word like "compassionate" or "merciful" would have sufficed, yet Kaeshi chose "humane"—most often associated with animals and executions—which indicates bestowing mercy worthy of a human on one who is not, or is undeserving of same.

In short, Kaeshi dehumanized Liz in order to abuse and shun her.

Note also in this paragraph Kaeshi's lie that "[Liz] ignored [her and ]... only responded...after [Kaeshi] told her [she] would go to the police."

Truth is a very flexible commodity in Kaeshi's world.

To be continued in Part IX: The Inner-Warrior

Response to Kaeshi & Brad—Part VII: The Gangrened and Diseased Limb

The day after I posted my critique of PURE's War & Peace performance in an Open Letter to Kaeshi Chai, she sent a response that I understand made significant rounds through the internet. Since it contains many false and hurtful statements about me and others, I feel compelled to respond.

What follows is the seventh (!!!) part of that response. For further info, please see:

My Q&A About Why the Critique was Necessary
Part I: Introduction to the Defensive Screed
Part II: Perspectives on the Underdog
Part III: Anger Management
Part IV: Sabotage
Part V: Kaeshi's "Red Zone"
Part VI: Violent Communications
Part VII: The Gangrened and Diseased Limb
Part VIII: Transgressions
Part IX: The Inner-Warrior
Part X: Brad's "Delusional, Revisionist History"
Part XI: Final Thoughts (or If Lenny Bruce Had a Blog) 

(Kaeshi's letter, continued)

The truth is, I also simply no longer wanted her in my circle at all. Period. I am much happier without her in my life and I liked who I was as a person much better without her presence. 

Again, this seems disingenuous, given her multiple requests to meet with me—which she rejected only when I requested a mediator who might challenge her world view. Then consider her subsequent conciliatory email, once again asking to meet—only this time with a mediator of her choosing—which I then rejected.

Now: This decision to improve one's happiness by removing another from one's life is something that should be looked at closely.

One of the great benefits of the New Age/Self-Help movement has been in providing a framework of autonomy: We learn that we choose much of our experience and therefore have the power to change it for the better.

But the key to choosing is taking responsibility for what we have already chosen. If we do not recognize what elements in ourselves have attracted unhealthy/hurtful relationships or patterns of experience then we are powerless to permanently change them.

And while excluding or removing ourselves from that which grieves us may create a powerful illusion of "choosing," we are much better served by remaining in relationship with the Other, and looking at ourselves squarely to grasp what compels us to reject them. Without out such humble, honest self-examination, then—even though expelling the unwanted person or situation may create an ego-boosting sense of happiness—the underlying cause is not cured. The internal pattern that attracted the experience in the first place is still operating and will likely attract a similar experience again.

Worse, if our decision to unfairly reject/exclude another then harms that person, our conscience should compel an added burden of guilt and shame. Further, if we attempt to suppress such negative emotions, we inevitably diminish our ability to experience positive emotions.

As Brené Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection: Letting Go of Who We Think We Should Be and Embracing Who We Are, wisely advised in her signature TED Talk "The Power of Vulnerability": "You cannot selectively numb emotion...shame...fear...disappointment. ...You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other...emotions. ... So when we numb...we numb joy...gratitude...happiness."

In other words, the very attempt to secure happiness by unjustly and remorselessly walling off another—defining that person as a thing to be shunned—in itself potently hinders our ability to feel the very happiness we sought!

Now, admittedly, there are hurtful, exploitative, callous people who perhaps can justifiably be shunned. Further, it is reasonable to have two fine, decent people who are simply better off apart.

But Kaeshi's own behavior proves that neither was the case because she needed to vilify me in order to excuse her unilateral rejection of me. It is not the act of dissolving ties that should weigh most on her conscience here, but the intent and manner in which it was done.

It hurt me terribly to learn she had defined me in this horrific way. But as I came to understand her view, I began to look at how I had defined her, how I had viewed her and what I had needed from her—and how that affected my ability to relate to her; I resolved that healing and reconnection might be possible if we could come to see one another clearly.

And so in May I wrote a letter to her saying:

For my own part, I have had my share of needs and insecurities as well, and you too have “a special way of getting to me.” As we have discussed, I do my best to deal with my challenges in this regard, but I am a human being with my own history of feeling neglected, wanting attention, lacking confidence, etc. And, as my teacher and artistic director, some of these more difficult aspects have been cast on you, giving you an inordinate amount of power over me—which I understand has been uncomfortable for you to deal with. ...

Truly, it breaks my brain to even attempt to comprehend the image you seem to have of me. ... Because whomever it it is, it is not me.

It is, in fact, yourself. 

There are many qualities that you ascribe to me which you, yourself, possess. But you can’t or won’t see them in yourself, and so you put them on me. ... May I suggest you write down a list of those qualities, both good and bad ... and meditate on that list. ... [Because] it is wholeness, being able to humbly see oneself as one truly is—'warts and all' and accepting the difficulty and discomfort of that—which allows the ego to relax making compassion and compromise possible.

She wrote back:

Wow, this is quite an essay. I probably won't read it through because I'm really busy but I'm touched that you spent that much time writing it. 

At a glance I can see that you feel depressed, bitter and angry. 

I am saddened by it but I see it from a completely different point of view. It clear [sic] to me that you don't really know me at all and what motivates me to action. ... Even though your words are dripping with vehemence and hate toward me, I am still going to send you positive energy tonight.

Sigh.

This does not mean that I expected the same of others. I did not think less of mutual friends who stayed in communication with her. My decision for a break was mine alone.

She claims the "break was [hers] alone," yet she speaks of her "circle"—implying her decision would, in fact, affect the feelings and attitudes of others. And, indeed, it did as many felt forced to choose sides, either subtly distancing themselves from me, or supporting her in decisions and attitudes they knew would be professionally and personally damaging to me.

She has since twisted my words into untruths...

I quoted her verbatim and in context.

No, of course I do not blame my arm dislocation which happened last September on her... that's just ridiculous. I believe it was a physical manifestation of how overextended my schedule was last year. It was a major wake up call from the universe. Yes, I probably could have ended things better with her, I just felt like one of my limbs (connected to PURE) was so gangrened and diseased, it was much simpler to chop the whole thing off with a clean break from each other than start the slow and painful process of more mediation when we both did not both have the distance of time to cool our emotions and to establish a healthier perspective.

This is the strangest, most self-contradictory paragraph in the letter. Curious that it starts with the remark about "twisted words," because what follows twists itself into the most mindbending contortions.

First, she says she does not blame her arm dislocation on me. Yet three sentences later, she blames me!

Follow:  From this: "I just felt like one of my limbs (connected to PURE) was so gangrened and diseased..." I conclude that I, in fact, am the "gangrened and diseased [limb]...connected to PURE." (And let me tell you, you have not lived until you have been compared publicly to a gangrened and diseased limb!) And the universe's "major wake-up call" to Kaeshi is to "[end] things with [me]," which is conveyed somewhat dramtically via the dislocation of her shoulder.

So... If I am not around, the universe does not need to deliver any limb-rending messages, and her rotator cuff stays intact. Correct?

Ergo: I am to blame for the dislocation of her shoulder. (!!!)

Anyway.

So she dutifully heeded the universe's call to eject me, but did not seem to do much about her "overextended...schedule" which is more full than ever and caused her to miss many of PURE's War & Peace workshops exploring conflict cause and resolution.

Further, if her schedule were such a concern to her, would it make sense to cast out the very person who had been doing the lion's share of work for PURE? Had it not been for my high-level involvement, no production of PURE Reflections would have occurred in 2011.

Lastly, she speaks of a the need to "[chop] the whole thing off with a clean break", but inconsistently goes on about having "the distance of time to cool our emotions and establish a healthier perspective." At face, it makes little sense, but it is in fact consistent with what actually happened: She reached out once her emotions had cooled, but she showed no respect or concern for me or my emotions...

And how could I, with any self-respect, then reconnect with her?

To be continued in Part VIII: Transgressions