Saturday, November 10, 2012

Response to Kaeshi & Brad—Part III: Anger Management

The day after I posted my critique of PURE's War & Peace performance in an Open Letter to Kaeshi Chai, she sent a response that I understand made significant rounds through the internet. Since it contains many false and hurtful statements about me and others, I feel compelled to respond.

What follows is the third part of that response. For further info, please see:
(Kaeshi's letter, continued)
When Carol Henning came into my life as a student 6 years ago, I found her to be highly intelligent, extremely hard working, generous with both her time and money, and funny. She seemed to really care about me as well as Bellyqueen and loved to brainstorm about how things can be improved and made more successful. 
While this is nice of her to say, I find an acknowledgement of my positive qualities to be disingenuous given the evisceration to follow. It seems more geared to make Kaeshi look fair and kind (Kaeshi Good!) than offer any real equanimity as it is so out of synch with the rest of the letter. I also do not recall brainstorming about improving things for Bellyqueen, although I often offered my services as an unpaid editor for Bellyqueen/PURE promotional material.

And I began with the Bellyqueen school in 2004, eight years ago, and joined PURE in 2006.
I also noticed that she was also prone getting into personality conflicts with others and had some anger management issues.
And here the evisceration begins.

First, she accuses me of "getting into personality conflicts" (Carol Bad!) but offers no example of this. In fact, I was not prone to such conflicts, although I have learned others felt discord with me. It is true that I am outspoken and will not tolerate mean or clique-ish behavior. For example, one PURE member spread a nasty rumor about a friend and I confronted her. This upset her, but ultimately she apologized to my friend thereby resolving the conflict she had caused.

Kaeshi, on the other hand, made no effort to directly address any conflict—towards me or anyone else—and seemed to turn a blind eye to any bad behavior.

Claiming I have "anger management issues" crosses a very serious line towards outright defamation as it questions my character, behavior, and mental health.

It is a therapeutic term referring to people with "excessive or uncontrollable anger or aggression." I do not, nor have I ever, behaved in this way. Rather my expression of anger, indeed any emotion, is healthy and normal.

Per the American Psychological Association, "Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. ... Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. [Without healthy expression,] unexpressed anger ... can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior."

A healthy expression of anger guards our boundaries: if I step on your foot, you say "Ow!" which lets me know I've harmed you; then I apologize and all is forgiven. This is what I do and I encourage others to do the same.
 I don't think anyone is perfect and was willing to overlook her flaws and focus more on her positive traits, and over time, I developed a strong bond and friendship with her.
Once again: Kaeshi Good! Carol Bad!
She joined PURE and despite the fact that many left or threatened to leave because they got into disagreement with her...
This is a fabrication.

If "many left or threatened to leave" she never said a thing to me about it for years. Indeed, if this had been remotely the case, why would I have been a Facilitator of the NY chapter and Director of PURE Reflections for years? Only the most irresponsible leader would give power to a subordinate who had shown behavioral problems.

In 2011, as I became more central to the group, however, she began to hint that I had alienated members. That October she told me someone said, "Never again!" after a 2009 event. But when I asked if she was sure that was about me, since the event had other problems, she didn't answer.

So I wondered if these claims were real; and if so, why didn't she say so the time? After all, wouldn't it have been her duty to resolve such conflicts before members felt the need to leave?

The fact is:  Save for the gossip confrontation above, and a disagreement over a misplaced bag which I and those involved resolved shortly thereafter, I did not have any argument with any PURE member in the course of my five years with the group.

I am aware of only one member who has claimed to have left "because of me"—but  this person then followed me into my improv group and stage combat classes. So go figure.

There are many, however, who left PURE due to Kaeshi's behavior.

In particular, many felt snubbed when we brought PURE Reflections to Japan because Kaeshi did not make it clear that all members were welcome to join if they could pay their airfare and lodging.

There are many others who left when she increased the dues, complaining in an email to the membership that "not all the dancers are paying after rehearsal each week.... you know who you are..."

Continued in Part IV: Sabotage
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