Sunday, November 25, 2012

Response to Kaeshi & Brad—Part X: Brad's "Delusional, Revisionist History"

The day after I posted my critique of PURE's War & Peace performance in an Open Letter to Kaeshi Chai, she sent a response that I understand made significant rounds through the internet. Since it contains many false and hurtful statements about me and others, I feel compelled to respond.

What follows is the tenth part of that response, which addresses claims made by Kaeshi's husband Brad, in support of her claims. For further info, please see:

Thanks for sharing, K____! 
It's pretty awesome to see all of your support and I agree with Alura's point that it's best not to encourage Carol. Ignore her. She's looking for attention so don't take anything she says personally. That said, I care a great deal about Kaeshi so its [sic] hard to stay silent and I want to share some thoughts with all of you.
Similar to Kaeshi, Brad feels entitled to look inside my mind and presume that I'm "looking for attention." This is an especially cheap shot, and one I would have thought unworthy of him. And, like his wife, he offers no basis for this, but simply declares it as fact.

To say someone "wants attention" is a way to infantilize and therefore discredit them: They are a screaming child who should be shunned (though I must question a culture that decides the best way to handle a screaming child is to shun/berate/shame them... but that is a matter for another time). And by saying "she's looking for attention" Brad and Alura attempt to play the role of adults even as they behave very, very badly, themselves.

First: Anyone who writes in a blog or on any social media does so with the hope their work will garner attention. Second: Anyone who dances in the street in costume is also hoping for the attention of an audience. In both cases, attention may be warranted; but this is different from "looking for attention" which implies generic attention is the primary motive. Third: Nothing I said in my critique was personal to the dancers of PURE. Rather I pointed out how what I knew to be Kaeshi's personal conflict was negatively affecting her professional work.

In my writing, I did call attention to what appears to be an abusive situation, where an organization that continues to use my work and name to promote itself seeks volunteer support as well as tax-deductible donations on the promise of creating work that unambiguously supports healing and peace.

Indeed, one of the PURE chapter facilitators expressed concern at being unable to find a venue in which to perform the War & Peace choreography, because her town is "not as progressive as New York." But any work with an "inspiring" and peaceful message should not need to be couched and contained in a special venue for special audiences.

At least, that has never been my understanding of work consistent with the goals of PURE.
It's very hard for me to imagine that Carol will ever find a greater champion, or defender, than Kaeshi.
Then Brad should stop imagining and pay attention to reality.

Kaeshi is not and has never been my "champion." She has availed herself of my professional services as an actor, director, and comedienne, and while I appreciate those professional opportunities, her acknowledgement and use of my skills does not make her my "champion."

And it is insulting to claim I need a "defender." The only defense I have ever needed in Kaeshi's "circle" has been against the unfair and unkind image of me she herself has created—the very image which can lead a lazy, susceptible mind to hear words like, "I don't want to let this fail" and return with, "You're sabotaging PURE."
Carol was given numerous performing and leadership opportunities ultimately leading to her involvement in the Reflections show that took her around the globe. Just read Carol's bio on her blog to see, in her own words, some of the opportunities she was offered through her involvement with PURE.
To begin with, my work on PURE Reflections is what made it into a workshop/performance experience that was worth taking around the globe—something PURE had never done before. And while this would not have happened without Kaeshi, it certainly would not have been possible without me. The recent lackluster "teen" production is a testament to my essential value to this show.

It is also worth noting that the main reason Kaeshi "gave" me "leadership opportunities" was that I was the only one in the group who was willing and able to step up as a leader for PURE when Kaeshi was not present (apparently a source of continuing resentment for my former co-Facilitator Alura), as well as do the bulk of work required to bring PURE Reflections to Japan, Taiwan, and Florida.

Further, it seems likely that the true cause of her rift with me was simply that I wanted to be fully credited for the work I had been doing for years.

And she never "championed" or gave me any special opportunity as a dancer, even though she had been my primary dance teacher.
Throughout the production of the Reflections show I would sit at home, well into the AM hours, and watch Kaeshi take calls, almost nightly, from dancers who were leaving or wanted to leave PURE directly because of Carols involvement. To be sure, Carol is an incredibly intelligent and gifted artist. Unfortunately, she's also very difficult to work with.
Brad asserts I am "very difficult to work with" but—in spite of the fact that I have worked with him harmoniously for six years, in PURE as both a dancer and musician (I led the drummers in Japan and Taiwan), and as his drumming student—he must reach three years into the past to conversations he wasn't a party to, about events he did not witness, to support this ridiculous claim.

If I were so difficult to work with, shouldn't he have some better example from his own experience to offer? He doesn't, because one doesn't exist.

It is all part of Kaeshi's Grand Fictional Reality.

Part of this fiction revolves around the tensions that emerged in PURE while creating PURE Reflections in 2009. Kaeshi was way over her head in this process—which became apparent when, even after months of exercises and explorations on body image, we still had no viable show two weeks before curtain.

Kaeshi had never created a theater show with a cohesive narrative.

I was the only person in the group with experience in theater as an actor, director, and writer. Interesting that Brad credits her with having "given [me] ... leadership opportunities," yet in spite of my extensive theatrical experience, Kaeshi brought in—and paid!—a "director," Dixie, an actor who had no directing experience whatsoever!

If Kaeshi were inclined to give me "leadership opportunities," why did she not ask me to direct in the first place? After all, I was already part of the process for free.

While Dixie offered some useful acting exercises, she had no idea how to create a narrative an audience could follow. Nor did anyone else, so this job fell to me—and I rose to it. But even then Kaeshi did not acknowledge my work during the process. If she had simply told the dancers, "Carol has over a decade of experience as an actor and director, so please respect her opinions," that would have eased the process for everyone.

But she didn't. This created consternation in the group, as they became confused and frustrated, not understanding why I was speaking up centrally, and why Kaeshi herself often deferred to my judgment. This, I suspect, would have been the real content of Kaeshi's alleged late-night discussions with PURE members, though I doubt whether she "defended" the importance of my role in this process.

And yet Kaeshi herself acknowledged my role in creating the narrative in the first email blast promoting the PURE Reflections, where she credited the show as "written by" me. She did this without asking me or anyone else involved in the show.

When I saw the mailing, I wrote back that I appreciated the "sartorial" credit for "sewing it together"—which I did. But suggested that "written" was not the right word and asked it to be changed to "story by," which is how it has been credited since, although now Kaeshi claims half of that credit for herself.

Unfortunately, the damage of the "written by" credit had been done: Almost immediately other PURE members wrote angrily that I had been credited unfairly. I wrote to some of them privately to clarify my role in the process, but Kaeshi made no effort to clarify this misunderstanding to the group. And it festered.

And since the members had never been part of this kind of creation process which, like any birth, is as painful as it is rewarding, nothing had prepared them for its difficulty, and nothing gave them closure when it was finished.

Although I knew there was stress in the group, and dealt with it personally as best I could (which was tricky not being officially a "leader" of the project), I had no clue that members were as upset as it now appears they were.

For Brad to mention three years later that the group was so upset that even he was aware of it tells me that Kaeshi woefully mismanaged their feelings. Rather than address their emotions honestly and directly in a group setting where grievances could have been aired and acknowledged, and clarifications given, she allowed me to be the lightning rod for their discontent—a disservice to me, the group, and the project itself.

So, not only did she undermine my leading participation during the creation process, when she finally acknowledged it, she did so in a way that caused enduring resentment towards me, and negative feelings on the whole.
It's been fascinating to see her spin a delusional, revisionist history where she is the martyr and Kaeshi is the inflexible tyrant.
It has been fascinating to see a thoughtful, intelligent, rational man capitulate entirely, sacrificing the reality of his own experience—indeed a reality available in the black-and-white text of Kaeshi's own emails—to support his wife's mendacious, self-serving narrative.

What is most fascinating is that the history I presented in my critique is not disputed even by Kaeshi herself!

She does not deny ejecting Liz and me from PURE with no recourse; she does not even deny that her behavior in Florida was inappropriate (she simply blames me for it). The only aspect in dispute is why she ejected us. And her version of events is easily refuted by her own emails to me and Liz.

And at no point do I refer to Kaeshi as a "tyrant," or even suggest her behavior was tyrannical. A tyrant imposes his or her will without qualm. Kaeshi shifts blame, lies, and makes excuses. So clearly she has qualms with her own behavior or she would not struggle so frantically to deny or deflect it.

She is less like a tyrant and more like a brat.
In my long history as a professional artist I can honestly say Kaeshi is one of the most compassionate and ego-free leaders I have ever collaborated with. 
Ummm... OK. Remember he is talking about his wife here. And what exactly does "ego-free" mean, anyway? Further, Kaeshi was most certainly not compassionate to me, Liz or, subsequently, the erstwhile PURE Orlando chapter leader Rita and her husband Robert, nor to the PURE Orlando chapter itself, which is still needlessly on "hiatus."

She was senselessly brutal to all of us.
She will offer another dancer the spotlight or give someone the opportunity to express themselves rather than impose her creative will and she is completely comfortable letting others choreograph when she is not present. Does Kaeshi want input as the Creative Director of PURE. Sure. Does she expect she'll be listened to when she's offering an idea. Understandably, yes, but she's also willing to listen if the other person is able to have a normal conversation. Does she expect to be people to bow at her feet and submit their will to her dictatorial desires. Of course not.
This is an even more fascinating paragraph, as nothing in it addresses anything I wrote. (Brad does, however, manage to take one nasty shot at me by suggesting I am not "able to have a normal conversation"—really, Brad, shame on you. This is so beneath you.)

Instead, out of nowhere, he goes on about Kaeshi's ego and "dictatorial desires."

Generally, when a person defends against statements that have not been made, they are in fact revealing their own opinions and perceptions. For example, if I say, "Do you like the color of this dress?" and you answer, "It's great! It doesn't make you look fat at all!" What you're really saying is: "Put the dress back, and put down the Doritos."

As it happens, Kaeshi does have a reputation of being controlling and dictatorial.

I have always considered this reputation to be unfair as in my personal experience she has been a very good collaborator, which is why PURE Reflections came out as well as it did. She challenged my perceptions and decisions just as I challenged hers. In many cases I deferred to her judgment, and in many others she deferred to mine; and in yet more, we met in the middle to create the best work possible. (An excellent example of this is the "Relapse" scene from PURE Reflections, which I will at some point write about as an example of the collaborative process at its best).

So not only did I not say or imply those things; my personal opinion is the complete opposite. Her ability to collaborate has nothing to do with her bizarre and irrationally cruel behavior during and subsequent to the Florida PURE Reflections project.

And Brad actually knows this, so it is even more strange and telling that he would go on at length to deny it here.
I'm sure you probably all know this already but be cautious of a forced or unsolicited opinion because there's usually unseen baggage attached. You're all smart, creative, vital folks and I trust you to seek the full story then make up your minds. And if you don't need the full story that's fine. Trust your heart. 
Cheers,
Brad
Although I don't appreciate the implication that I am inclined to force my opinion on others (generally, I'm not, though I suppose the initial post to the PURE thread on Facebook qualifies as an applicable exception, so touché, Brad), he is correct here that this situation does have quite a lot of baggage attached.

It has been an awful burden to carry around these many months and I am glad for the ability to set it down and sort it out here.

And I have appreciated the support and feedback of the many, many people who have followed me through this process, who have have found it in their hearts to seek the "full story," even when that story contains elements that are difficult to hear and that contradicts what they've wanted to believe.

I have especially been heartened to learn about the many friends who have been emboldened to stand up for themselves, to hold onto what they know to be true, even when that truth is inconvenient and may cause bristling discomfort to others.

There is more to be said on this in the final entry, but for now—on this weekend of Thanksgiving—once again, let me say THANK YOU!


To be concluded in Part XI: Final Thoughts (or If Lenny Bruce Had a Blog)
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