Response to Kaeshi & Brad—Part VI: Violent Communications

The day after I posted my critique of PURE's War & Peace performance in an Open Letter to Kaeshi Chai, she sent a response that I understand made significant rounds through the internet. Since it contains many false and hurtful statements about me and others, I feel compelled to respond.

What follows is the sixth part of that response. For further info, please see:

My Q&A About Why the Critique was Necessary
Part I: Introduction to the Defensive Screed
Part II: Perspectives on the Underdog
Part III: Anger Management
Part IV: Sabotage
Part V: Kaeshi's "Red Zone"
Part VI: Violent Communications
Part VII: The Gangrened and Diseased Limb
Part VIII: Transgressions
Part IX: The Inner-Warrior
Part X: Brad's "Delusional, Revisionist History"
Part XI: Final Thoughts (or If Lenny Bruce Had a Blog) 

(Kaeshi's letter, continued)

Anyhow, in Orlando last November, we remounted the PURE Reflections show where my own relationship with her was rapidly disintegrating, and unfortunately, it effected [sic] my ability to lead and be present for the rest of the team.

This is a big, fat, honking lie.

Kaeshi's "ability to lead and be present" was affected by her desire to visit Orlando's theme parks with her mother and two dancers from Taiwan.

In late October, she wrote the following to me in a Google chat:

My Mom is going to come to Orlando....She wants to see Disneyworld. I just booked her ticket ...  I would like to hang out with her at least two days, Thur and Fri... so I am happy to take a smaller role in the show. What do you think? Am I throwing a spanner in the works or is this doable? I don't even have to dance. I'm happy to help out.

Now this was a bit troubling because she always played a lead role—the "Relapse" Demon—plus Friday was the day before performance and always required a lengthy and rigorous rehearsal. But I assured her we would figure it out.

There was some consternation, however, with the Florida PURE Facilitators, who were upset by Kaeshi's request they pay her airfare even though her participation would be reduced. One wrote a panicked email to me, "Please call. We need to discuss an urgent matter regarding travel expenses."

I supported their position that they should not have to cover Kaeshi's airfare and, to my knowledge, she finally paid her own way.

There was another matter that "[affected her] ability to lead and be present for the rest of the team":  Bellyqueen had received negative feedback from its October tour, so she spent a good deal of our rehearsal time on her laptop or phone, preparing and promoting Bellyqueen's December performance.

Now, this placed extra burden on Pacita and me, but we understood her responsibilities to Bellyqueen. Also,  we understood that, since her mother had lived far away for many years, quality time was important to their relationship. So I never faulted her decision and agreed to let her arrive late to or leave early from rehearsals, as well as miss some rehearsals altogether.

And Kaeshi seemed to be all right with the lesser role herself... at first. But over the week, her resentment became palpable, not merely in her treatment of me, but in huffy comments about "only playing an Ocean Spirit."

After we returned, I requested a break from her, some time apart to reflect and heal.

This is largely false.

Two days after we returned, Kaeshi emailed me saying that the other PURE Facilitators might be "taking a hiaitus." She wrote, "[T]hen that leaves you, me and Liz Free. If this is the case, perhaps I will close PURE NYC down."

I didn't know what to make of this and guessed she was feeling guilty and angry about Florida, so I figured it would be best to give her some time to cool down. But the following week, she wrote again:

The Reflections show is larger than both of us and deserves to be seen by the world although after repeated efforts to work together it is clear that we are not suited to be in partnership with each other. When are you available to talk about next steps?

This was shocking.

First: "The Reflections show is larger than both of us..."

She got that from me. Yes, there were tensions during the Florida PURE Reflections project, but I repeatedly assured the group: "This show is bigger than all of us," and its power could help us process, transform, and grow as artists and people. Indeed, the group forged ahead with remarkable emotional courage and transcended difficulties to create an beautiful, uplifting show.

Imagine the horror of seeing my very words spat back at me as an excuse to oust me from my dearest project. I could not grasp what "next steps" she wanted to talk about. She had removed me from the PURE site ... the damage was done. I didn't respond.

Starting around 10:30pm on December 12, as I headed home from a late class, Kaeshi left several voice and text messages telling me it was "time for our talk."

I felt bullied and was exhausted after a long day, so I didn't answer.

A few days later, I spoke to another facilitator, Kierra, who assured me that Kaeshi did in fact care about me and about our friendship; she just felt she couldn't work with me anymore. This was heartbreaking because PURE Reflections was so important to me. But I agreed to find the right words to respond.

So on Friday, December 16, I wrote this:

I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner. I took both of your emails very hard... they hurt me a lot, because I read them to mean that you wanted me out of your life permanently. 

I spoke to Kierra yesterday, and she mentioned that she had spoken to you and that you did sincerely want to preserve our friendship. 

I want to, as well. 

You have been a tremendous friend and teacher, and I have been inconsolably sad to learn that you have hard feelings towards me.  I would like to talk, but I am kind of scared to... which is why I did not call you back. There are a lot of volatile emotions happening here ... and I am thinking a mediated discussion would be best.

I recommended a mediator, a spiritual teacher we had both worked with in PURE, and whose integrity and wisdom she respected.

She answered on Friday, December 30, with this:

I'm sorry to hear that you have taken my e-mails very hard. It has not been easy for me too. 

I am open to meeting with you and [the mediator you recommended] although I have noticed that we seem to be in a constant state of mediation... where others are either mediating for you and I, or I am mediating between you and others. Our relationship takes such enormous effort to maintain that it does end up draining a lot of my energy. 

My schedule has been so incredibly booked this year that I have not had the time necessary to devote to any of my projects to give them the focus they deserve and as a result, there has been an increase in miscommunication as well as physical and emotional stress. When my right shoulder got dislocated it was a huge wake up call. As a result, I am making huge efforts to simplify my life radically in 2012 and to be extremely selective with how (and whom) I choose to occupy my time. 

I really do appreciate the amount of effort and passion you have dedicated to PURE and PURE Reflections however your unstable emotions and strong personality are a huge challenge for me. One day, I am really wonderful, the next, I make you "suffer so much you want to leave". As leaders, we cannot afford to have this sort of relationship with each other where we are constantly fighting with one another. It's not fair to PURE or the rest of the team. I don't like who I become when I am trying to share the leadership role with you, so for now, I would prefer if we took a hiatus from one another.  

Let's put the PURE Reflections project on ice until we let some time pass. Time is an incredible healer. 

Thank you for your understanding,
I wish you the best,

I was stunned—dumbfounded—by the casual cruelty of this letter, the multiple blaming insults, the inability to accept any responsibility whatsoever for her own overbooked schedule, the dislocation of her shoulder, her emotional stress, her drained energy—and the complete detachment from any perception resembling a shared reality.

I thought she had gone insane.

There are so many insulting and horrifying statements in this letter, but I will focus on three:

First: We were not in a "constant state of mediation." We had never had ANY mediated discussion. EVER.

Second: As evidence of my "unstable emotions" she says, "One day, I am really wonderful, the next, I make you 'suffer so much you want to leave'." But I never said that.

The only exchange that even remotely resembles her account was when I wanted resign from PURE because I felt disrespected by my co-Facilitators. But even then, I did not say that she or they "[made me] suffer so much [I wanted] to leave" or anything like it. And I rarely told her she was "really wonderful."

Third: That we were "constantly fighting with each other." We weren't. She took subtle and not-so-subtle hits at me in Florida (and at other times, but Florida was the worst). A few times I rebuffed her quietly, but mostly I absorbed them.

I never answered this letter.

Six weeks later, she wrote:

I hope you are doing well. I've been hearing good things about your show. :-) 

Anyhow, it's now February, and I would like to meet up to talk before I leave for Germany in mid March. I agree that it should be mediated.  I'm not sure if [the mediator you suggested] is the most neutral person though. Maybe it should be someone who is trained in NVC. http://www.cnvc.org/ What do you think?

I was taken aback by this, first by the cheery tone, and then by her complete lack of acknowledgement of having said many vicious things to me and having unfairly ousted me from a project and community that had been my creative home for years.

I also did not know what to make of NVC (Non-Violent Communication). I was first put off by the implication that violence existed to the degree a "non-violent" solution must be sought; this seemed a perpetuation of her delusion that we were "constantly fighting."

Further, I'd heard PURE had a new member or consultant who was an NVC counselor, so I was guessing Kaeshi wanted this person—who would likely be partial to her—to mediate, and that made me further skeptical.

But this sealed it:  Their site says, "We will no longer need to use the language of blame, judgment or domination. We can experience the deep pleasure of contributing to each others' well being." And this is all to the good, but it seemed insincere given Kaeshi's incessant blame and criticism of me, and her lack of contrition or sincere concern for my well being:

You cannot kick a person in the head and slam a door in their face and then, at your leisure, greet them with a cheery howdy-do.

It is just not human.

To be continued in Part VII: The Gangrened and Diseased Limb